Gardens, Loss, and New Beginnings

I was over reading on Michael Nolan's blog,  My Earth Garden, about how he had gotten so wrapped up in his own life and losses that he had missed it when a friend lost his partner. I could totally relate to that.

I've had a tumultuous year...well, three years, but this year especially. Money problems, work problems, health problems...whatever could go wrong did go wrong. I got so wrapped up in my own stress and sadness that I started literally pushing people away because I just did not have time to worry about them. Gardening was  my only salvation, and now that's gone too.

I lost my yard, and all I have is a few plants on a 5x8 patio and in the house. I miss my yard, all but the taking care of it. I mostly miss the plants. I think they all got good homes, but who knows? I can get more plants, but I can't get THOSE plants, you know what I mean? It's such a hard adjustment that I have literally cried myself to sleep over it. Having no garden to tend, no fruits and vegetables to pick, no bugs to spray or fire ants to poison is sort of like being naked to me. You know, the kind of naked in bad dreams where nobody notices you're naked but you?

My life is changing in ways I never could have imagined, and I have to make this work. I turned 59 in May. I feel like this is my last chance to do something meaningful with my life. It's my gardening that has made me the person I am, so it will be my gardening that makes me into who I am to become. I really want to make a difference, to have someone one day when I'm dead and gone say "Do you remember Deborah Aldridge? Wasn't she great? She taught me so much about gardening!"

That's all I want. It's not too much to ask, is it?